Warning

A few years ago, I received a pamphlet from the Ohio Dept. of Natural Resources, apparently mailed to all boat registrants. It concerned Lake Erie water snakes. I live a couple hundred miles from Lake Erie, so they employed no selectivity in the mailing. When it comes to taxpayer money, expense is no object.

The pamphlet contained a warning about the snakes’ tendency to slither into fishing boats. They are attracted by organic debris that results from people cleaning fish in their jon boats and similar craft. The warning said that if you find a snake on the bottom of your boat, do not shoot at it.

Do not fire a gun toward the bottom of my boat? Who am I, Elmer Fudd? The sad part is that you know they wouldn’t be publishing that unless someone had done it.

A couple of my favorite actual warning labels include those on a garden pet repellent and an electric massage chair. The bag of dried fox and wildcat urine (to scare away destructive pets) bears in bold red print, “Not for human consumption!” Who sits around the picnic table and says, “Hey Shania, pass me the dried urine for my fries.”

The label on the massage chair states, “Do not use without clothing.” Okay. Then, “Do not force body parts into backrest when rollers are in motion.” What?! Well that cuts the value in half.

I moderate a few chat boards on the web. Most of the participants are relatively lucid, but there’s a few…

One this week displayed a cranial density that would rival Vermont marble. It occurs to me that people, not products, should come with warning labels. To wit:

WARNING: This person has scored under 90 on the Wexler IQ Test. Conversation with said person can result in frustration, anger or befuddlement. Side effects can include screaming, crying and/or violence. Consult your psychiatrist before engaging.