Male/female abodes

I stopped by my ex’s to wish her a happy birthday. She said she had something important to discuss with me, which told me two things.

First, from decades of experience in this area, I knew I had some time for contemplation, because this would hold no relevance or interest for me. Secondly, it would be a mobile monologue. A shark can’t stop swimming, because that’s how it breathes. Carol can’t stop cleaning, because that’s how she lives.

So, we’re walking around her house, while she’s wiping, aligning and picking up. My mind is firmly engaged in neutral. In this state, I notice differences from when I lived there. Differences from my current abode. The aberrations could be classified into things that were there, for no apparent good reason, and things that were missing.

Five things that were there:

1. Tupperware, Saran Wrap, etc. - If it’s good, I eat it. Eat it all. I don’t leave half a sandwich, cupcake or pot roast. If it’s worth starting, it’s worth finishing.

2. Fabric softener, bleach, pre-wash, etc. - Either the store brand detergent can get
the job done or it can’t. Not up to me to make up for its shortcomings. And, does
anyone really believe you throw a smelly Kleenex in the dryer and it changes the
rigidity of fabric? It’s not a softener, it’s a territory marker. Guys may be able to
pocket their wedding rings at a bar, but the scent of softener tags him as taken.

3. Photographs – Parents and kids, fine. But, every person you ever met? Or, so
it seemed.

4. Coasters, carpet protectors, headrest shields, etc. – Life’s tough. Pampering the
furniture and floors isn’t going to help it learn to deal with it.

5. Fingernails, eyelashes, and other body parts – Unless you’re Mrs. Potatohead, all
your features should be permanently attached.

Five things that were missing:

1. Tools – Not so much as a screwdriver, pliers or wrench. How does one survive?

2. Bathroom reading material – What does she do in there?

3. Cobwebs – Without spiders, how do you control small insects?

4. Things on the floor – The floor is a large shelf. And no mere shelf. It is
the ultimate shelf. Nothing rolls off and breaks. Nothing gets lost.

5. Duct tape – The bond that holds the universe together. It was not in evidence
on furniture, appliances or anything, much less stacked in rolls on the floor, ready
for action.

Don’t know how she lives.