Paying Homage at the Shrine

Superhighways, multicar garages and relatively cheap fuel – we’re still the nation who has the love affair with the automobile. Perhaps this torrid affair has cooled over the decades, but there are still throngs that teem at their shrines of choice; whether it be dealership or NASCAR track. Or, the auto show.

When I was a boy, one of my big thrills was grabbing a train from Philly to New York for the annual car show. It wasn’t just big. It was huge. This was THE show. And, it was back when there was a significant difference between a Ford and a Mercury, or a Chevy and a Pontiac. I couldn’t wait to go. Now, I have to be dragged.

And drag me Cat did. Not to New York, but the Cincinnati car show. This is to the old car show what Justin Timberlake is to Bobby Hatfield. Cat’s bait was a steak dinner at McCormick’s, but I’m sure she would’ve badgered me into it anyway.

She was there to shop, analyze and compare. I was there for technical and moral support. And, to people-watch.

The model selection is always of interest to me. Not the car models, but the people posturing around the exhibits for the manufacturers. The Suzuki exhibit had an exotic female hostess, which didn’t quite seem congruent. Still, she was very good at fawning over the middle-aged men and convincing them how sexy they’d look behind the wheel, so I guess they know their stuff.

The Scion people appeared zeroed in on their youth market. The young man there looked like the legions of my daughter’s suitors, who I can’t tell apart. He had the telltale “Topo Map hairdo.” That’s how I refer to the layering of different lengths and hues. Kind of like he’s sporting fur from a variety of mammals.

We came upon the Chevy exhibit and there was the concept vehicle tease that irks me no end. They’ve been parading the Cheyenne around for four years. When the heck are they going to make it? Aside from seductive body lines and interior, this pickup features doors in the sides of the bed, near the cab. With the steps, this provides easy access to climbing into the bed. Extremely nice if you’re someone who’s always scrambling up and down over the high tailgate of a full size 4x4.

We drifted around, with Cat hopping in and out of various cars. She asked for my opinions, with the desired responses quite evident.

Suddenly, she pulled up short. It was the Porsche area. I almost observed she might be past that phase, but it would’ve cost me a steak. Cat pulled on the door handle of a sleek, snow white model. Locked. They were all locked. The Germans are no fun.

The well-tailored salesman approached. “I see you like the Cayman. Excellent choice. It’s a very affordable sports car.” How far down the road have we come when $65,000 is considered affordable for a car?

He bantered with Cat while I scanned the horizon for trucks. Finally, he went to retrieve a brochure. “Well, what do you think?”

“Can’t see you crawling in and out of that in your business suit.”

“I was thinking of for you.”

“Me? No interest.”

“It’s been a while since you’ve had a sports car.”

“Because I have no interest.”

“At least set up a test drive. You should see what it’s like.”

“You.”

“I’ve owned two.”

“And, you’ve wrecked two.” That’s how I lost the steak dinner.

Cat completed her list of prospects and was ready to leave. The exhibits had aroused some curiosity in me about the trucks and a few SUVs. Also, I figured I’d give her time to cool off a little before we left. Maybe dinner was retrievable.

I paused to glimpse the interior of a Hummer. “Wouldn’t it be cheaper just to stuff a pair of gym socks down the front of your pants?” She needed more time to cool off. And, she was right.

The pickups had more allure to me, although the show models were bristling with gingerbread that I had no use for. “I thought you weren’t in the market.”

“I kind of promised myself an incentive if I mastered my offside roll. I did it, but never decided on the reward.”

“What the hell is an offside roll?”

“Kind of like rolling your boat left-handed.”

“Oh, kayak crap.” She has no use for anything that musses the hair or dries the skin. “Don’t you think a new truck is a bit excessive for just doing something on the opposite side of what you already do now?”

“Well, I did swallow a lot of water.”

In the “old days” they handed you a brochure and suggested you contact your local dealer. Now, they lure you with monetary incentives to take a test drive, inputting your vital statistics into their little Blackberries or whatever. By the time I got home, emailed test drive coupons had already arrived from the manufacturers and local dealers. You’ve come a long way, baby.

If I played my cards right and redeemed all the test drive coupons, I’d gain enough for an audio upgrade. Or, at least a steak dinner.