The origin of "Captain Hank"

I’ve been asked enough times about the sobriquet “Captain Hank” that I feel compelled to divulge the origin. Some have postulated that its roots are in the paddling board I moderate, but it predates that by a good many years.

I learned sailing as a youth on and near the Atlantic Ocean. Some years after relocating in Cincinnati, I bought a sailboat. Given what I was accustomed to, sailing Midwestern lakes felt like playing soccer in a phone booth.

The sailboat was replaced by a 25 ft. cabin cruiser, docked on the Ohio River. A better match, but not quite there. The “starter boat” yielded to a 34 ft. cruiser, coinciding with the wild & crazy apex of my bachelor life. I would be out partying several nights of the week, in addition to weekends.

A vessel and plan of these proportions require a crew. Not a problem. Having a boat is like owning a pickup truck. You have one, you have friends. Shecky, Spock, Gerbil, Special K, Gobbler, et al would show up unbidden and soon knew their responsibilities for provisioning, casting off and docking.

While all hale fellows well met, they didn’t constitute a party quorum. That would require members of the distaff side. Again, not a problem.

Having been a dock rat at an early age, I knew how it worked. While you were peeling the canvas off the cockpit in preparation to launch, a small covey of women would approach. The alpha girl would take the lead.

“Are you Jim?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Well, is this Jim’s boat?”

“No, it’s not.”

“Hmmmm. One of the girls met Jim at a bar and he invited us out tonight. This is the dock number he gave.”

“Sorry.”

“Well, we got all ready for this, so it’s quite a disappointment for all the girls.”

“(sigh) You’re welcome to come out with us if you want.”

After the first few repetitions, we learned to save time.

“Are you Jim?”

“Just get on the boat.”

The routine was we motored upstream from the Four Seasons marina to the Kentucky shore, opposite Coney Island, and dropped anchor. It was quite private and there was no reason to go any further. Seven hundred horsepower slurps up a lot of gas. There, we swam and partied till the wee hours, and then idled back to the dock. A few hours sleep on the boat and off to the office.

A reputation was unavoidable. I was not surprised that people started “lobbying” for invitations to join the crew.

But, Jan caught me off guard. I knew her through business and my impression was that she was a bit “stuffy.” When she invited me to lunch, I didn’t anticipate anything but our usual business talk. I didn’t expect her to broach anything personal.

“Last year, we did a girls trip to Florida.”

I raised my eyebrows at this unfamiliar tack. “Oh. Was it fun?”

“Best time of our lives. We really cut loose.”

“Cutting loose can be good.”

“Anyway, the anniversary of the trip is coming up and we’d like to celebrate it. We want to recreate that spirit of abandon and I’d like your help.”

“You have my attention.”

“The funniest thing that happened on the trip was a harbor cruise. I found a brochure in my hotel room and it looked like a hoot. A boat ride, landing on a sandy key for a picnic and unlimited champagne. Captain Hank’s Pleasure Cruise.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Oh, that’s not the half of it. Hank and his crew were a bunch of young, hard body cabana boys.”

“How tedious for you.”

“From the second we got on, they were bumping into, leaning on and pinching us. When I sat on the deck, one of the buggers even slid his toes down the back of my bikini bottom.”

“Sounds ghastly.”

“It was great!”

“So, I fit into this how?”

“Well, I’ve heard about your boat parties. I was wondering if you could find some guys who would recreate the cruise for us as our anniversary celebration.”

“Let me see if I’m reading you. You want to know if I can find some guys who will take you and your girlfriends out on the boat, get you drunk and fondle you?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yeah, I think I can manage that.”

“If you want, I can meet with them ahead of time and tell them how the crew acted.”

“I think they can improvise.”

So, we took them out and I was “Captain Hank” all night. And, ever since.