Rosetta Stone of American Culture

The late, great Jean Shepherd wrote a tongue-in-cheek article positing that the Johnson Smith catalog was the Rosetta Stone of American culture for its era. Launched in 1914, it dealt heavily in wax lips, pepper-spiked chewing gum, itching powders, rubber spiders and other “novelties.”
Choosing this as a reflection of the norm seems to indicate that it was a golden age of the fake dog poop level of wit. Presumably, buffoons roamed the land with their bags of prop gags, cracking up audiences of like intellect.

What catalog would represent today’s society? One candidate would be Hammacher Schlemmer. It’s been around for over 150 years, but has certainly kept pace with the times. Here are some selections from the latest.

Of course, you remember the hoary piggy bank for kids. Maybe even that cash register looking thing that totaled your savings and refused to open until you hit ten bucks. Make way for the Children’s Touchscreen ATM Bank, courtesy of HS. It handles deposits up to $999.99. That’s inflation.

Then, there’s the Ropeless Jump Rope. This reminds me of the time I led a paddling trip and had an irritating participant who fired questions at me nonstop. I pointed out the world’s only topless covered bridge to occupy his mind for a while. The jump rope consists of two handles. One is computerized to provide data and feedback.
If you like virtual rope jumping, you’ll love the electronic Jellyfish Aquarium. No food, no mess, no real animals. Just the illusion.

And, if you enjoy the depths, you’ll definitely want to order the Uncrushable 3,000-foot Depth Watch. You’ll be a crepe at about 500 feet, but have the comfort of knowing that your watch will survive the rest of the descent.

If that thought concerns you, check out the electronic Biofeedback Stress Relief Coach. How did you maintain your vitals before this? When the readings come out on the high side, just strap the Stress Relieving Wristband onto the other arm.

All that stress could induce some excessive sleep habits. For that, you’ll need the Runaway Alarm Clock. Hit the snooze button and it takes off and hides from you, continuing to emit beeps and flashes.

Nice novelties, you say, but has anyone brought the advances in technology to bear upon anything of critical importance? Fear not, for there is the 14 MPH Cooler. Picture an amalgam of an ice chest and a motorized scooter for the handicapped. It includes a beverage holder because you wouldn’t want to be driving without a cold one at hand.

I’ll end here because you just can’t top that.