A fine consultant

I make judicious use of consultants. I suppose that could appear ironic since I’ve done consulting, but that just means I know the game. There are situations where it’s wise to use one and there are consultants who are good to use, but neither is the predominant.

The situation I was facing was obtaining a certification for an organization I run. We could burn a few thousand personnel hours figuring out the prodigious manual and how to apply it, hoping our interpretations were congruent with that of the auditors, or I could just contract with an experienced consultant who had walked other organizations through the process. I’ll take door number two.

Now, which one? They all have glowing testimonials from clients. I called around to probe for some candid insights. This narrowed it down to a few and I involved my department heads in making the final decision. They outvoted me, so I harbored some doubts. I could’ve pulled rank, but they’re the ones who would have the most interaction.

Ray showed up today to begin his assignment. We made small talk, but that’s just the start of the ritual dance. He was looking for my expectations and I was still trying to figure out if he was a good choice.

Ray had some business in our county and knew the players. He laughed at some recent developments he had spotted in the newspaper (see the blog about the raid of the stripper bar). He went on to comment on how the politics were more comical and inept than any other place he worked. Then, he caught himself.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any offense to your home.”

“None taken. I don’t live in this county and I’m not from the area.”

“Where are you from?”

“Philadelphia.”

“Philly? That’s my favorite place.”

Am I being worked here? Ray’s a Midwesterner and I don’t know many who enjoy the more direct and candid culture. They installed a magistrate court in the football stadium for expeditious processing of the high volume of fights at Eagles games. The quote is attributed to several ballplayers, but I believe Leo Durocher was the first to say that when Phillies games get rained out, the fans go down to the airport to boo bad landings. It’s the town where the proper response to “Good morning” is “Good morning this!” Geez, I miss it.

But, I can’t see Ray warming up to it and I don’t think a sycophant is the right person to bulldog us through a critical operation. Maybe he craves the cheesesteaks. Or, the many historical buildings. Perhaps the proximity to ocean and mountains. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. “What do you like about Philly?”

“South Street.” Ah, the nightlife. “At Third.”

Huh? “I know the neighborhood, but can’t place what’s there.”

“Larry Fine’s birthplace.”

Rings a bell, but I can’t bring up the file. “Who?”

“Larry Fine. And, they have a Three Stooges museum there.”

Oh, that Larry. Yes, we had selected the right consultant.