Timing is everything

A young man asked me how I afforded a good engagement ring when I was his age and got married. I didn’t. On our tenth anniversary, I gave my wife carte blanche to go out and get anything she wanted. I don’t think most people are in the financial position to prudently allocate that much to jewelry at the onset. Besides, look at the odds of the marriage lasting that long.

My thinking may be a little influenced by the imbalance. The woman’s ring set is usually elegant and expensive. The guy’s looks like something that came in a Crackerjack box.

I guess part of the tradeoff is the bachelor’s party, but the timing is wrong on that. The day before you leave on a honeymoon with your dreamgirl, you’re inundated with liquor and nubile strippers? Who needs it then? That would also fit better with the tenth anniversary.

In the same vein, at your funeral, they invite all your friends to laud you and throw a big feast. You’ve been accorded the most expensive accommodation in the house. What do you care on that day? I want that party, now.

Your china and good silver sit in a cabinet until some third echelon distant relative comes to town. Meanwhile your family eats off Melmac or whatever every day. Shouldn’t you get out the good stuff when those closest to you put their knees under the table?

Your kids can get their drivers’ licenses at the age of 16, which is after you’ve already done the lion’s share of the chauffeuring for teams, lessons, parties, shopping, appointments, etc., and the necessary waiting around. Too late to do you any good. Get them behind the wheel at nine and let them drag their own butts all over town.

Voting at 18. Is this a joke? How many teenagers know what’s involved in running a business or other substantial organization, eking out a profit and hitting deadlines? What percentage knows what it takes to manage a large group of people? Forget that scale, even. How many have supported a family, maintained an abode, negotiated contracts, paid toward tax levies or financed an education? Oh, but they know what it takes to run a city, state or country. Right. Is it any wonder the same standards are applied to voting as selecting the prom king and queen? When I need to add or replace a key department head, why do I go to the trouble of interviewing candidates when I could pull some kid out of the mall to do the screening for me?

The most obvious evidence of puerile thinking is the prevalent attitudes toward panacea services. When kids are in the toy store, it’s “I want, I want, I want.” No thought to if and how it can be afforded.

Christmas, Hanukkah or whatever. You receive new bikes, golf clubs, scuba gear or whatever. Hey, it’s the dead of winter. This stuff will rust before I get it outside.

You say it’s about religion? Tell me that when space and time about the spiritual side in media approach 10% of the ad wells. Anyway, you can keep the rituals in December. Just move the presents up to May.

By the same token, mowing and gardening in summer? I’ve got better things to do and who wants to work themselves into heat stroke? A civilization that can genetically engineer the tangelo or grapple can surely get the lawn to grow a few months later.

Year-end bonuses. They’re intended to inspire employees to make the extra effort that will generate a greater bottom line in which to share. How many employees start thinking about what they can do to break the threshold before November? Incentives should be weekly or monthly, depending upon the business cycle, so the goal is in sight all year.

Timing is everything.