Are you a professional sweater?

Tis the season for re-gifting. Another wonderful contribution to our lexicon, courtesy of the writers of “Seinfeld.” The giftors, in this case, have been open about it. I have no problem, either way. A freebie is a freebie.

I am fortunate enough to know a number of people who work for or have retired from Procter & Gamble. They receive a gift basket of the company’s products this time of the year from P&G. What they care to share, I get.

This year, the passalongs ran heavily to deodorant sticks. Maybe it’s because the baskets were heavily laden with them. Or, because I’ve been working out more. I don’t care. The price is right.

A stick lasts me forever since I shower daily and don’t use that much chemical backup to deal with secretions. So, I haven’t been shopping for the product much or noticing the promotions. Now, I’m looking at the labels and recalling a scene from a book about the advertising business I read many years ago. I could be mistaken, but I think it was in “From those wonderful folks who gave you Pearl Harbor: Front line dispatches from the advertising wars.”

It takes place in a board room. A large pad of paper is supported by an easel at the front of the room (this predates dry boards and computer presentations by decades). On the facing sheet is the outline of the human form.

The executive at the head of the table addresses the group seated around the oval slab of walnut in the clipped cadence of a military strategist. “Men, we’ve convinced people that their breath stinks and sold them a product to combat it.” He circles the mouth area with a marker. “We made them self-conscious about their feet and gave them powder.” He applies the ink around the feet. “And then, we scared the crap out of them about their underarms.” He emphatically circles the armpits.

“My question to you is where can we attack next?”

There’s a buzzing in the room as speculation is bandied back and forth. One man rises and the room falls silent. He raises a finger in a eureka gesture and states, “The crotch.”

The hush continues while anxious faces turn to the leader for his reaction. His face is frozen for a moment before splitting into a smile. “Brilliant! Inside of six months, no one will dare walk out the front door, much less board an elevator, without dousing their genitals with whatever slop we come up with.”

Product tests were set up in the U.S. and Europe. The feminine products scored big here, but the masculine applications bombed. In Europe, the reverse was true. Read into that as you will.

It was supposed to be an accurate account of an actual meeting. I believed it. At the time, I was staring at people willing to pay a hefty premium for polo shirts just because an alligator was sewn on the breast, so why should this seem questionable?

Back in the present, I’m reading the labels on the deodorant sticks. One is designated clinical strength while the other is pro strength. Pro what? Are there professional sweaters?

For that matter, what’s with the clinical? Are there treatment centers dedicated to people who have body odor? Is that covered in the new health plan?

And, is anything “regular” strength anymore? Surely, we’re not all in the extreme end of the curve.