iBad

Once again, I get dragged, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century (are you smarter than a Vice President?). In this case, I just purchased an iPad. When this device emerged, I only had a dim understanding of exactly what it was and why anyone would need one. I didn’t delve into that for clarity, but it seemed like smart phones, laptops and desktops covered the spectrum of functionality. My son got one and has enjoyed it immensely. He’s also been on me to get one. On the one hand, it looked like fun as his fingers moved with lightening speed, generating a variety of delightful outputs. But, I’ve seen this kind of thing before and envisioned myself plodding up and down blind alleys, regardless of how the younger generation fared. Then, I took a long plane trip with multiple connections. Fate seated me beside people enjoying movies, books and games on their iPads (save for the 400-pound sumo wrestler who spilled over the armrest), making their time fly. To me, it was one long water torture. I bought newspapers along the way but quickly burned through their prosaic crossword puzzles, cryptograms and other mental exercises. I envied the iPadders their imaginative brain teasers. As luck would have it, a local retailer ran a significant sale on the devices this week. How could I resist? I opened the box to find the device and a couple attachments. I shook it. No manual. I thought Apple was known for that. But no, I would have to go on line. I’m a paper guy and 200 pages is a test of my endurance on the web. If you’ve followed my prior forays into techdom, you already see what’s marching down Main Street. One of the first required steps was to hook up with a WiFi connection. That entailed the customary prolonged false starts with menus I couldn’t locate and passwords I couldn’t recall. After web searches for ways around network and router passwords and extensive trial & error, I achieved connectivity. It was exhausting. But now, I stood on the brink of nirvana. I could download books, stimulating puzzles and fun games. Except, I couldn’t find the promised iBook app anywhere on the device. Okay, we’ll skip over that. I still have some paper on the night table. I clicked on the Games icon. No games. None? Oh c’mon. Even Microsoft provides you with some chewing gum for the mind. Wait! There’s movement. Now it wants me to establish a game identity for when I lock horns in mortal combat with fellow iPadders in the ether. I just want to play the software, not have to worry about Caleb who has a closet full of assault rifles and gets teed off when you thrash him in 20 consecutive games of Hearts. I try to move on but it’s having none of that. Finally, after numerous cycles of closing and opening, I find myself at the Apple Store. It has about a million games and the ones it’s throwing at me all involve lasering my way through hordes of fantasy creatures and require the manual dexterity of a centipede on speed. How about the New York Times crosswords or maybe just a decent Sudoku? That would probably require drilling down to the musty basement, reserved for the minute market segment who want to stimulate the grey matter. Which means, it’ll have to wait. I’ve exhausted mine just getting this thing minimally functional and will endeavor in the search another day.