Labels

I do understand when this label thing got out of control. Some court awarded a huge judgment to a dolt who stuck his hand under a mower to see if it was running, chugged the lemon scented furniture wax or tried to give himself a pedicure with a table saw. Not to be outdone in setting inane precedents, other judges strived to get their names cited with even more outrageous cases. I get that. But, I thought that wave had peaked and we were leveling out at something just north of sanity. And, as a buyer of outdoor gear, I probably see the worst. Or, so I thought. Earlier this week, I bought two carabiners. You’ve probably seen a “biner” even if you didn’t know the name, possibly posing as a keychain. It’s a c-shaped piece of metal with a hinged gate across the open end. In the great outdoors, they are usually used to manage lines. I hadn’t bought one in some time and was surprised to find a large wad of folded paper secured around the gate. After cutting it free, I discovered it was the directions and disclaimers. You don’t need a lot of room for directions – press gate to open, release to close. If you can’t figure that out, you probably shouldn’t be using a biner. The remainder of the six pages more or less cautioned you about the use of the device and backpedaled away from any responsibility, should you manage to maim yourself in doing so. The owner’s manual of my first motorcycle had less verbiage. Outdoor clothing also seems to bristle with tags and labels although even I would be hard pressed to injure myself in its applications. Most of these ballyhoo the magical attributes with some caveats, of course. I fear it has come to the point where they’re just pinning any piece of paper available to everything that leaves the mill without giving it much thought. Today I received shipment of a storm shell. This is an outer layer composed of stout material that renders protection against the most extreme elements. So, you’re climbing a mountain ensconced in fleece or goose down. A storm crops up (rain, snow, sleet, hail – pick your poison). You whip this out and pull it on over your insulation layer. Done. So why does the plethora of tags dangling from this garment include a smiley sun with the text “UPF 30+?” I’m layered up but the sky has closed down and I’m being pelted with sleet. What do I care about this thing providing protection from the sun in the very good range? If they really want to overdo the label thing, it should be in the area of garment care. The print detailing cleaning precautions is readable only with an electron microscope and the symbols require an Egyptologist to decipher.