The wire

Just when your kids start to become interesting, they get their own lives. My son (30) and daughter (27) have a myriad of things going on everyday, so we have to schedule ahead to do things together.

My daughter and I had arranged to take today (a late summer Friday) off to go paddling and it worked out perfectly. It was sunny and warm, and we had the lake just about to ourselves.

When my children were young, I intentionally planned camping trips, canoe outings, and other activities that got them away from the computer and VCR, and left them little choice but to relate to their parents. That worked well in their younger, formative years, and the proof is in the pudding. They were less enthusiastic in the teen years, naturally, but could still be enticed with more exotic adventures.

The college years? Forget about it. The same was true with the immediate post-college era, as they spread their wings.

But, we managed to strengthen the connection after that. It helps if you can get out of the parent mode.

When they’re young, you wonder if they have any sense, forgetting your own lapses at that age. As they mature, it doesn’t always become apparent to you that they’ve developed any. It takes a conscious effort on my part to hold the advice, unless asked.

My ex and I have had this conversation several times. A lovely woman, she can’t stop being mom. It often grates on the kids, who take it as criticism.

With my daughter, it’s been especially hard for me to butt out. She has a razor sharp mind and was a National Merit Scholar in high school. But, she chose a major in college that I saw little value in, and thought it a waste of her intelligence. We had a few heated discussions about that.

I recalled having a similar discussion with my father. He threw up his hands and went out to the yard to plant a sapling. I stomped around the house a little bit and then went out back to make amends. I stood in silence, trying to compose my words, as he pounded a stake into the ground beside the tree and proceeded to wrap a thick, insulated wire around it and the tree to provide support.

“You know, I’m not a kid anymore.” A lot of sixteen year olds have probably said that.

“Do you know what I’m doing here?”

“Yeah, you’re bracing that tree.”

“That’s right. It helps to keep it growing up straight. Every year, I come out here and unwrap the wires to see how well the trees stand on their own. If they look like they’ll lean or get damaged the first time they’re tested, I rewrap the wire. But, a day comes when they show they’ll stay straight on their own, and I throw away the wire. Until then, I keep the wire.”

After graduating college, my daughter pursued her chosen field. I kept my grumbling to myself. After a couple years, she got bored. What do fathers know?

Not sure what she wanted to do, she took an entry level job with a large company. I thought it was more to finance her avocations than to plot a career path, she didn’t ask me.

She was promoted before the year was up, but still didn’t seem challenged. Another department recognized her abilities and lured her away with a promotion. Things were looking up.

So, we’re paddling and enjoying the day. We’re having a great time and I ask how her vacation day reserve is because we should do this a few more times before it gets cold.

“Bad news and good new, dad. Bad news is that I’m going to be slammed for time after Labor Day. Good news is that I’m getting promoted into strategic planning.”

Time to throw away the wire.