Is that week or weak?

I received a direct mail piece promoting a magazine in the format of the magazine. That is, it appears to be the actual magazine, but it’s just a dozen pages of teaser copy with a subscription card or two.
The publication is called “The Week” (want to guess its issue frequency?) and above the nameplate is the positioning statement, “All You Need To Know About Everything That Matters.” I am already amazed that I’ve been able to come this far without it. Let’s go to the sample cover lines and find out how I’ve survived.

“How to buy land on the moon.” I’d be more impressed if they knew how to get the financing.

“When fish is actually dangerous for your heart.” See “shark.”

“Which men are least likely to cheat?” Easy. Dead ones.

“What happened to RAISES? U.S. wages aren’t keeping up with economic gains.” Gains? There are gains?

“Astonishing weight loss news.” What would a magazine of this ilk be without an easy weight-loss article? It’s bound to have a get-more sex-item, as well. I check and there are several.

“Coffee wards off Alzheimer’s.” Good thing I drank some today. Or did I?

“Slash your blood pressure in half!” Uh, you might want to check with your doctor before you do that.

Here are two that make me scratch my head. “Are we alone in the universe? New top-secret report says no.” “Twin solar system discovered. The chances we’re alone out here have just shrunk.” Well, which is it? We’re not alone or that we may not be?

“Should first cousins marry?” It would probably increase this magazine’s circulation.

“Does execution hurt?” You know, if you find yourself in that situation, pain might not be your biggest problem.

“Secret way to find out how violent a man is: Administer this test on his hands.” Bend his finger back?

“The ONE thing Cameron Diaz says she would never do to a man.” Somehow, I don’t see that becoming a concern of mine.

“What do you have in common with bin Laden’s followers?” I’m guessing it’s they don’t read this crap, either.

“Bras: the Hidden dangers: Undressing can be risky business.” Quick, someone pull this from the newsstand!

“Be a better investor than Buffet.” Yeah, you cracked that code, and yet, you’re still working in a publishing sweatshop.

“Live to 150: I’d be shocked if it didn’t work says this MIT expert.” Get ready to be shocked, although I’m not sure you’ll be aware of your error at the time.

Not content to judge them on what they consider the cream of their crop, I go to the web site to see what’s current and typical:

“Is Obama greater than Jesus? Taken from a Danish newspaper editorial.” What is it with that Scandinavian air, anyway? The Nobel Prize for not having accomplished anything wasn’t enough? Now, they’re deifying him?

“Al Qaeda’s breast implant bombers.” Back to the bra thing?

I am open enough to allow that mine is but one viewpoint. So, I turn to the testimonials to see what wiser heads have to say:

“The Week has replaced The Economist as my number one read.” – Hugh Downs. Would that be the same Hugh Downs who turned from journalism to fronting for the infomercial pills that clear arteries, cure arthritis, dispense with any pain or fatigue, send cancer into remission and pick Superbowl winners (or whatever)?

“The best quick summary I know of each week’s events – hard to put down.” – Sen. Edward M. Kennedy. They capitalized on his brain tumor?

“The Week lets you fool people into thinking that you know absolutely everything.” – Bill Maher. Really? How’s that working out for you, Bill?

With all due respect, I’ll stick with my program and try to limp by without it.