Declaration of Bengal Incompetence

When, in the course of football events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the unconscionable stadium agreement which have connected them with one on top of another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of NFL and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind and John Madden requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all teams were created equal, that they are endowed by the Commissioner with certain unalienable rights, that among these are effective passing, tackling and the pursuit of players who can remember the snap count. That to secure these competencies, coaching is instituted among men, deriving just (or any) powers from the consent of a proficient ownership.

That whenever any form of ownership becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new management, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety, happiness, and maybe a couple games without bonehead moves. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that ownership long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while close games are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the embarrassing losses to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism and nepotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such losers, and to provide new guards (and tackles) for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these Cincinnatians; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Bengaldom is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over this county and stadium. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:

They have reduced a promising NFL power to the punchline of numerous jokes.

Through dark processes only known to themselves, or perhaps the commissioner who represented the county and then coincidentally became their highly paid employee, they pulled the entire region down into economic ruin with the most one-sided stadium deal in the history of sports.

They have reduced astute coaching minds to babbling sycophants.

They have imported and inflicted upon us some of the seediest characters ever pushed through diploma mills.

They have assaulted our sensibilities with a series of uniform designs that would make a pimp blush.

We, therefore, the representatives of the united citizens of Hamilton County, in general congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by the authority of the good people of this county, solemnly publish and declare, that these people are, and of right ought to be free and independent of subsidizing the gross incompetence of this private company; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the Bengal Crown (Clown?), and that all political and financial connection between them and the state of Great Buffoons, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as free and independent citizens, they have full power to support good teams, conclude suffering, illicit contract alliances, establish commerce with some other owner, and to do all other acts and things which independent people may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor (and a warehouse full of Ochostinko jerseys).

Copyright 2011, Henry E. Dorfman