Philly this!

In his act, Texan Ron White takes offense at what Cincinnatians proffer as chili. “No self-respecting southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits,” avers Mr. Tipton in “My Cousin Vinnie. Brooklynite Tony Gizzi upon being served at an Italian restaurant in the heart of Missouri: “I ordered pizza, not grilled cheese.”

True believers take fierce pride in their regional cuisine, and I’m no different with the pride of Philadelphia: the cheesesteak. For many years, I have tried to ignore what several chains have tried to pass off with their ersatz versions. But, one has just crossed the line.

Arby’s recently introduced the “Philly” and more outraged I could not be. The first red flag and bit of weaselism is that they skirt calling it a cheesesteak. Because it’s not steak. It’s what they imagine roast beef to be, which is a whole other issue. The Philadelphia icon is the cheesesteak. So there is no “Philly” without that. Unless you’re a steaming pile of dog droppings trying to mislead the unwary public.

In addition, check the ingredients. Swiss cheese? You’re seriously going to try to pass this off as a creation from the heart of Guidoland? Aioli spread? “Spread” probably sidesteps the trap of actually having to include real mayonnaise, which is basically what aioli is. Mayonnaise on a cheesesteak? Gag! And aioli is French (gag again) and is mostly used with fish and vegetables. Arby’s needs to do some employee drug testing.

Let’s cut to the TV commercial, which approaches the product in hideous qualities. Some dork declares, “I know a good Philly and that’s a good Philly.” You know something that doesn’t exist? I discount the claim that this commercial was shot in Philly with locals. If it was, that declaration would be met with, “Philly this!” or, at the very least, “You suck!” Philadelphians are gourmets at the feast of insults.

Go to the Arby’s web site and your eyes are assaulted with, “Close your eyes and take a bite, you’ll feel like you’ve been teleported to the City of Brotherly Love.” You’d better be doing that well outside the city limits. Talk trash like that in Philly and close your eyes and you won’t be opening them.

I’m far from the only son of Philadelphia who is outraged and the web is aboil with commentary. We’ll put up with total government corruption, routine choking of sports teams and a high percentage of the female population sporting mustaches. But this crap will not stand.