US Bunk

I have bestowed recognition upon several companies that have blazed trails into new realms of incompetence. But today, I am seriously considering the first lifetime achievement award. Granted, my judgment is tinged by the anxiety of preparing tax returns.

As my lifestyle has simplified, this should be a walk in the park with the aid of TurboTax, although it is edging its way into my sights. But, that’s another story. This one pertains to an immense financial institution, which should have the resources to have its act together.

Prior to the taxable year in question, I completed consolidating all of my investing under one financial planner. While this violates the “eggs in one basket” axiom, the confidence has been earned over the long term and it does make things easier. Or, it should.

The actual securities are held by this large bank corporation and therein lies the rub. I wasn’t intimidated by receipt of a thick year-end report of transactions to report in detail, because I thought it would be a matter of just importing data from the bank to the tax software. The bank’s parent company was listed in the software menu, but I couldn’t make the connection. I called the bank, which is your typical exercise in navigating your way through the maze of phone menus to find yourself on interminable hold. When they finally decided I wouldn’t give up, a human came on the line and I explained my problem. He said that he couldn’t help me because the investment side was a different entity.

Different entity? You’re the same company. According to him, they are part of the same corporation, but it might as well be different planets for all the connectivity that exists. Well, back to the report.

I locate a phone number for use in case I have questions about the report and call it. It’s answered by a machine, announcing that I have reached the private banking investment tax office and to leave a number for them to return my call. It is absurd that a private banking department is answered by a recording since that’s supposed to be the epitome of service. But, wait.

They don’t return calls. How’s that for first-class service? Service? After a couple days pass, I call customer service where I have to run the menu gauntlet just to wind up in hold hell. In only the time it takes to get a root canal, a customer service rep comes on the line. First, she tries to find someone who can tell me how to import the information. No one thinks it’s possible, much less knows how it might be done. Surely, I’m not the first to ask, but maybe there’s a reason they don’t appear on the TurboTax menu. Why make it convenient for your private banking customers? Maybe they think they all have accountants who they’re happy to pay high fees for extensive keystroking.

Failing that, the valiant lass took a run at the same help line I had tried and achieved the identical result. She informed me that she had exhausted her arsenal of help tools.

Here’s a suggestion. Call that department or even someone in that office, or someone in that building, and tell them to answer the phone or at least return my call. Better yet, give me a number I can call. She had no such information. Let me get this straight. You work for the same company, in customer service, mind you, and you have no access to a phone number or directory that would enable you to contact a department in that same company. Correct. Wow. When they say private banking, they’re not kidding.

I don’t take lifetime achievement awards lightly. But, when you market a premium, high level service and don’t even answer the phone, I believe you merit consideration.