Catharsis

Admittedly, this is a cathartic exercise. Venting.

I belong to a group that has monthly dinner meetings. It was founded 80 years ago and is rich in tradition. The members take turns researching and presenting papers on controversial subjects as grist for discussion.

The membership usually numbers about 15. If you asked anyone what the criteria were for being invited into the group, I’d guess the response would be that one has to be “a character.” But, the unspoken yardstick is that someone should have the wit, intellect and disposition to contribute to the enjoyment of the experience.

It’s the latter that troubles me tonight. Within the past five years, we’ve had three members resign because of Matt. The very nature of the group is debate. We joust with enthusiasm and humor. There is ample representation at the polar ideologies and they are well-armed with knowledge and articulation. But, we are close-knit and all hug when the last volley has been fired.

Because, we know how to do it. Except Matt. Matt cannot present an opposing viewpoint and let it go at that. He has to attack another’s opinion and the owner of it.

There are varying theories about the root of aggression. Many are based upon poor self esteem. That may be the case with Matt, or it could be a cultural thing. He’s native to a country not known for polite conduct.

Last Wednesday, Kent was the most recent to resign in anger. That’s a loss. I am the antithesis of Kent in terms of approach to analyzing issues and arriving at conclusions. But he is experienced and astute, so I always listen and learn something. And, he’s just plain likeable.

Like most of the members, I understand the possible sources of Matt’s malice and don’t take it personally. But, I also understand people like Kent, who choose not to expose themselves to his problems. Life’s too short.

What makes it worse is the nature of people who do this out of poor self esteem. Their angry and argumentative behavior brings rejection by their peers, but they don’t see that. They blame their poor outcomes on everyone else. Failing to find self respect in socially acceptable realms, they organize their self esteem around alternatives. To gain identity and self respect, they congregate with others of their kind (a major factor in gang behavior).

This is relevant here because a few people like Matt will slip through the screening process and eagerly join in with his aggressive behavior, reinforcing one another’s bad conduct. If you don’t pull the weeds, they take over the garden.

When Kent stalked out of the meeting, I looked at Dave, the chair of the group. He did not meet my gaze, nor anyone else’s. He hadn’t done anything about the previous resignations and it did not appear that he would grapple with this one.

Easy for me to say? Perhaps. But, I sat in his chair years ago, and I stepped up and pulled the weeds the few times it was necessary. Not a pleasant task, but my responsibility.

I will talk with Kent. And, I will express myself to Dave. But first, I’m thinking this out on paper (or, in pixels).