Customer Relations Management became one of the growth sectors of "pop management." That's my term for repackaging common sense and selling courses, certification and other goodies.
Long ago, I did the math and realized that it's a lot cheaper to save a customer or prospect, than invest in the marketing to find a new one. I wasn't the only one, but you wouldn't know that from the new CRM industry.
The basic rule is to treat someone the way you'd want to be treated. That is, be sincere, sympathetic and personal. Never come across condescending or argumentative.
As a marketing professional, I like to see what other companies are doing, so I respond to ads and mailers soliciting leads. Lately, I've been curious about what they're teaching people in CRM.
Also, I was a fan of "The Lazlo Letters." That was a book written by Don Novello. You might know him better as Father Guido Sarducci. The book was copies of letters he wrote to political leaders (Earl Butz, Lester Maddox, Richard Nixon, etc.) and corporate executives, along with the responses he received. The responses were usually more ludicrous than his inquiries. Hilarious.
My venture into Lazloism was inspired by a radio ad run by an insurance company. They were offering "Green" insurance, trying to catch the wave of green environmentalism. An auto company cashing in on environmental fad would be farce enough. But the ad spoke of the lush forests that lined I-70 through Ohio.
Lush forests in one of the most clearcut states in the country? Along I-70? This cried for an inquiry.
So, I called up the company's website. They're not an Ohio firm (obviously). I clicked on the appropriate place and submitted an inquiry about where these forests might be. One of the following two was the actual response. See if you can guess which one it was, and which would be more effective.
1. Thank you for your comments regarding our (name removed) Green radio advertising. We believe that everyone deserves an individual response; therefore, we'd like to take this opportunity to respond to your email.Our radio sets up the dissimilarity between lush forest land and the emissions from our cars. While we recognize that I-70 is not, in its entirety, enveloped by lush forests; we do believe the radio provides an appropriate context to deliver our environmentally conscious message while showcasing the greenery of central Ohio.Thank you for visiting the (name removed) website and sending us your e-mail. We truly appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with us.
2. Thank you for your inquiry. Obviously, a company of this size employs the services of an ad agency, and they seem to have gotten a little creative. Since you've driven the road, you would know better than me or the copywriter.
I hope that you will overlook the zealous copy and review the plan on its own merits. I'm sure you would find it to your advantage.
The capper was the name prefix of the email I received. "Internlad." Trust customer relations to the intern. Good move.
If you do, you might take the Publishers Clearinghouse approach. Many years ago, I was given a tour of their offices. At the end, we were asked if there were any questions. I had received many letters from a guy there (can't recall the name) and asked to meet him. He must be one busy dude to rap out all that stuff to millions of people.
We were led to a large office area. "He" was 40 little old ladies sitting at computers. They had almost a hundred response letters preprogrammed into their machines, addressing all manner of inquiries or problems they might receive. Takes most of human error out of the equation.
Better than an intern, anyway.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
Single File
A singles matching service is running a radio ad, including sample profiles of people you might want to hook up with. The female says, “I like roller coasters because I like to see things upside down.” They’ll be lining up to meet her.
Years ago, I partnered in a singles business. We gave people an alternative to the singles parties and dances, which are not unlike junior high affairs. It’s thirty years later and the women are still fast dancing with each other while the guys are in the corner talking baseball and cars.
We’d started our events with a speaker. It could be travel, fitness, life management, arts, literature, etc. The speaker led a roundtable discussion after the presentation, which gave people a sense of each other and their interests. After that, there was a cocktail party, which gave them the opportunity to approach people with common interests and viewpoints.
As a way of publicizing this enterprise, I wrote an article for a singles magazine. It dealt with how to interpret a personals ad, in the tongue-in-cheek style.
DWPF (usually fairly accurate to this point), very attractive (if you ask her mother), slender (in the sense that Oprah is willowy), blonde (as anyone with access to a drugstore can be, and why is this relevant? While I’m editorializing, it’s fine to color your hair, but pick a color found in nature), green eyes (or contacts), 30ish (39 and holding), gourmet (warm up your credit card), and adventurous (once went out in the rain two days after having her hair done). Seeks S/DWPM (prefers D because he’s already trained), who’s emotionally stable (last guy kept borrowing her underwear), financially secure (don’t expect to move in and sponge off me), honest and sincere (she obviously has little experience with men), monogamous (see previous point), understanding (will put up with her moods), and likes children (she has six). It’s a plus if you enjoy rainbows, puppies and new fallen snow (if there’s an “i” in her name, she dots it with a happy face).
DWPM (20% chance he’s married), youngish (wears toupee) 40 (whatever age, add 15%), tall (can see over the dashboard), handsome (won an Ernest Borgnine lookalike contest), cultured (there’s a lot less to him than meets the eye), outdoorsy (loves Mother Nature in spite of how he turned out), sophisticated (this boy is white shoes and belt material), personable (hits on telemarketers who call his house), and affectionate (wear your chain mail undergarments) business owner (delivers pizza as independent contractor). Seeking intelligent (not enough to see through his bs), romantic (wears edible panties), independent (no kids or cats), practical (you get at least five years out of a coat), understanding (he’s on the internet four hours a night)), attractive (out of his league), S/DWPF (hopefully, still receiving alimony) about my age (but it’s okay if you just got your driver’s license). Should enjoy entertaining (making snacks for his poker buddies), movies (rented), travel (to his mother’s place), dining (you’re cooking), and the finer things in life (Three Stooges retrospectives). Photo appreciated (the deal maker or breaker).
Years ago, I partnered in a singles business. We gave people an alternative to the singles parties and dances, which are not unlike junior high affairs. It’s thirty years later and the women are still fast dancing with each other while the guys are in the corner talking baseball and cars.
We’d started our events with a speaker. It could be travel, fitness, life management, arts, literature, etc. The speaker led a roundtable discussion after the presentation, which gave people a sense of each other and their interests. After that, there was a cocktail party, which gave them the opportunity to approach people with common interests and viewpoints.
As a way of publicizing this enterprise, I wrote an article for a singles magazine. It dealt with how to interpret a personals ad, in the tongue-in-cheek style.
DWPF (usually fairly accurate to this point), very attractive (if you ask her mother), slender (in the sense that Oprah is willowy), blonde (as anyone with access to a drugstore can be, and why is this relevant? While I’m editorializing, it’s fine to color your hair, but pick a color found in nature), green eyes (or contacts), 30ish (39 and holding), gourmet (warm up your credit card), and adventurous (once went out in the rain two days after having her hair done). Seeks S/DWPM (prefers D because he’s already trained), who’s emotionally stable (last guy kept borrowing her underwear), financially secure (don’t expect to move in and sponge off me), honest and sincere (she obviously has little experience with men), monogamous (see previous point), understanding (will put up with her moods), and likes children (she has six). It’s a plus if you enjoy rainbows, puppies and new fallen snow (if there’s an “i” in her name, she dots it with a happy face).
DWPM (20% chance he’s married), youngish (wears toupee) 40 (whatever age, add 15%), tall (can see over the dashboard), handsome (won an Ernest Borgnine lookalike contest), cultured (there’s a lot less to him than meets the eye), outdoorsy (loves Mother Nature in spite of how he turned out), sophisticated (this boy is white shoes and belt material), personable (hits on telemarketers who call his house), and affectionate (wear your chain mail undergarments) business owner (delivers pizza as independent contractor). Seeking intelligent (not enough to see through his bs), romantic (wears edible panties), independent (no kids or cats), practical (you get at least five years out of a coat), understanding (he’s on the internet four hours a night)), attractive (out of his league), S/DWPF (hopefully, still receiving alimony) about my age (but it’s okay if you just got your driver’s license). Should enjoy entertaining (making snacks for his poker buddies), movies (rented), travel (to his mother’s place), dining (you’re cooking), and the finer things in life (Three Stooges retrospectives). Photo appreciated (the deal maker or breaker).
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Wanna make a buck?
L. Ron Hubbard said the way to make a good buck is to start a religion. Then, he proved it.
That was then and this is now. The hot industry is outrage. Create an issue, set up a nonprofit to launder a nice salary and benefits for you, pay for a study with predetermined outcomes by some money-hungry scientists, get some fat grants, find some whacko celebrities to front for you and make a pseudo-documentary movie. Get a few book contracts, while you’re at it. Invest in companies that make products that support your issue.
There are two possible strategies. One is to hitchhike on a niche that someone else has already created. You need to come up with a differentiation.
For instance, an acquaintance of mine, Boots Kowalski, is about to launch his global warming business. His theory is that the proliferation of darker races has shifted the color balance of the planet, causing increasing temperatures. His documentary film shows a scientist in a lab coat cracking eggs onto the hood of a white car and a black car. Hard to argue with that. The film also shows people sweating in Africa (populated by darker races), and freezing in Norway. He’ll quickly follow that up with a line of silver, reflective clothing and hats to save the planet.
That may saturate that field, and you might want to consider the alternative strategy of starting your own frenzy. All you have to do is come up with a cause du jour. I’ll give you one for free.
Global flattening. For centuries, humans have been pounding down the earth, moving all over it with our vehicles. This will automatically attract the hate-the-successful nuts, when you point out that it’s their gigantic SUVs and landings of private jets that are major offenders.
Your problem thesis is that compacting the earth reduces land area. This drives up real estate prices and is the principal reason everyone can’t afford to live in a house like Bill Gates’. We all know how unfair that is in a free enterprise system.
Less land mass also brings us closer together. This leads to a geometric increase in communicable disease and higher medical costs. Also, less privacy and more violence.
You can take it from there. Good luck and be sure to send me a royalty check.
That was then and this is now. The hot industry is outrage. Create an issue, set up a nonprofit to launder a nice salary and benefits for you, pay for a study with predetermined outcomes by some money-hungry scientists, get some fat grants, find some whacko celebrities to front for you and make a pseudo-documentary movie. Get a few book contracts, while you’re at it. Invest in companies that make products that support your issue.
There are two possible strategies. One is to hitchhike on a niche that someone else has already created. You need to come up with a differentiation.
For instance, an acquaintance of mine, Boots Kowalski, is about to launch his global warming business. His theory is that the proliferation of darker races has shifted the color balance of the planet, causing increasing temperatures. His documentary film shows a scientist in a lab coat cracking eggs onto the hood of a white car and a black car. Hard to argue with that. The film also shows people sweating in Africa (populated by darker races), and freezing in Norway. He’ll quickly follow that up with a line of silver, reflective clothing and hats to save the planet.
That may saturate that field, and you might want to consider the alternative strategy of starting your own frenzy. All you have to do is come up with a cause du jour. I’ll give you one for free.
Global flattening. For centuries, humans have been pounding down the earth, moving all over it with our vehicles. This will automatically attract the hate-the-successful nuts, when you point out that it’s their gigantic SUVs and landings of private jets that are major offenders.
Your problem thesis is that compacting the earth reduces land area. This drives up real estate prices and is the principal reason everyone can’t afford to live in a house like Bill Gates’. We all know how unfair that is in a free enterprise system.
Less land mass also brings us closer together. This leads to a geometric increase in communicable disease and higher medical costs. Also, less privacy and more violence.
You can take it from there. Good luck and be sure to send me a royalty check.
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