Single File

A singles matching service is running a radio ad, including sample profiles of people you might want to hook up with. The female says, “I like roller coasters because I like to see things upside down.” They’ll be lining up to meet her.

Years ago, I partnered in a singles business. We gave people an alternative to the singles parties and dances, which are not unlike junior high affairs. It’s thirty years later and the women are still fast dancing with each other while the guys are in the corner talking baseball and cars.

We’d started our events with a speaker. It could be travel, fitness, life management, arts, literature, etc. The speaker led a roundtable discussion after the presentation, which gave people a sense of each other and their interests. After that, there was a cocktail party, which gave them the opportunity to approach people with common interests and viewpoints.

As a way of publicizing this enterprise, I wrote an article for a singles magazine. It dealt with how to interpret a personals ad, in the tongue-in-cheek style.

DWPF (usually fairly accurate to this point), very attractive (if you ask her mother), slender (in the sense that Oprah is willowy), blonde (as anyone with access to a drugstore can be, and why is this relevant? While I’m editorializing, it’s fine to color your hair, but pick a color found in nature), green eyes (or contacts), 30ish (39 and holding), gourmet (warm up your credit card), and adventurous (once went out in the rain two days after having her hair done). Seeks S/DWPM (prefers D because he’s already trained), who’s emotionally stable (last guy kept borrowing her underwear), financially secure (don’t expect to move in and sponge off me), honest and sincere (she obviously has little experience with men), monogamous (see previous point), understanding (will put up with her moods), and likes children (she has six). It’s a plus if you enjoy rainbows, puppies and new fallen snow (if there’s an “i” in her name, she dots it with a happy face).

DWPM (20% chance he’s married), youngish (wears toupee) 40 (whatever age, add 15%), tall (can see over the dashboard), handsome (won an Ernest Borgnine lookalike contest), cultured (there’s a lot less to him than meets the eye), outdoorsy (loves Mother Nature in spite of how he turned out), sophisticated (this boy is white shoes and belt material), personable (hits on telemarketers who call his house), and affectionate (wear your chain mail undergarments) business owner (delivers pizza as independent contractor). Seeking intelligent (not enough to see through his bs), romantic (wears edible panties), independent (no kids or cats), practical (you get at least five years out of a coat), understanding (he’s on the internet four hours a night)), attractive (out of his league), S/DWPF (hopefully, still receiving alimony) about my age (but it’s okay if you just got your driver’s license). Should enjoy entertaining (making snacks for his poker buddies), movies (rented), travel (to his mother’s place), dining (you’re cooking), and the finer things in life (Three Stooges retrospectives). Photo appreciated (the deal maker or breaker).