Test your CRM

Customer Relations Management became one of the growth sectors of "pop management." That's my term for repackaging common sense and selling courses, certification and other goodies.

Long ago, I did the math and realized that it's a lot cheaper to save a customer or prospect, than invest in the marketing to find a new one. I wasn't the only one, but you wouldn't know that from the new CRM industry.

The basic rule is to treat someone the way you'd want to be treated. That is, be sincere, sympathetic and personal. Never come across condescending or argumentative.

As a marketing professional, I like to see what other companies are doing, so I respond to ads and mailers soliciting leads. Lately, I've been curious about what they're teaching people in CRM.

Also, I was a fan of "The Lazlo Letters." That was a book written by Don Novello. You might know him better as Father Guido Sarducci. The book was copies of letters he wrote to political leaders (Earl Butz, Lester Maddox, Richard Nixon, etc.) and corporate executives, along with the responses he received. The responses were usually more ludicrous than his inquiries. Hilarious.

My venture into Lazloism was inspired by a radio ad run by an insurance company. They were offering "Green" insurance, trying to catch the wave of green environmentalism. An auto company cashing in on environmental fad would be farce enough. But the ad spoke of the lush forests that lined I-70 through Ohio.

Lush forests in one of the most clearcut states in the country? Along I-70? This cried for an inquiry.

So, I called up the company's website. They're not an Ohio firm (obviously). I clicked on the appropriate place and submitted an inquiry about where these forests might be. One of the following two was the actual response. See if you can guess which one it was, and which would be more effective.

1. Thank you for your comments regarding our (name removed) Green radio advertising. We believe that everyone deserves an individual response; therefore, we'd like to take this opportunity to respond to your email.Our radio sets up the dissimilarity between lush forest land and the emissions from our cars. While we recognize that I-70 is not, in its entirety, enveloped by lush forests; we do believe the radio provides an appropriate context to deliver our environmentally conscious message while showcasing the greenery of central Ohio.Thank you for visiting the (name removed) website and sending us your e-mail. We truly appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with us.

2. Thank you for your inquiry. Obviously, a company of this size employs the services of an ad agency, and they seem to have gotten a little creative. Since you've driven the road, you would know better than me or the copywriter.

I hope that you will overlook the zealous copy and review the plan on its own merits. I'm sure you would find it to your advantage.

The capper was the name prefix of the email I received. "Internlad." Trust customer relations to the intern. Good move.

If you do, you might take the Publishers Clearinghouse approach. Many years ago, I was given a tour of their offices. At the end, we were asked if there were any questions. I had received many letters from a guy there (can't recall the name) and asked to meet him. He must be one busy dude to rap out all that stuff to millions of people.

We were led to a large office area. "He" was 40 little old ladies sitting at computers. They had almost a hundred response letters preprogrammed into their machines, addressing all manner of inquiries or problems they might receive. Takes most of human error out of the equation.

Better than an intern, anyway.