Introducing, The Kit

Changing conditions create opportunities for new products. I couldn’t help but ponder one, driving back to the office after lunch. Just for the fun of it.

Derek and I met a few months ago and have been sporadically maintaining contact. He called to meet for lunch, wanting advice on acquiring some kayaks.

We arrived at the same time and entered the restaurant together. Derek is about a generation younger than me and got divorced a year ago. He started dating Barb during the summer. The relationship recently got serious.

“I’m a little short on cash right now, but I’ll probably sell one or two things shortly.”

“I’ll bet you this lunch I can not only guess three things that will possibly go on the block, but with two additional guesses on each item, name the brand.”

“What? Are you serious? No way. You’re on.” That’s how I got a free lunch.

Derek must’ve thought he was blazing a trail, but it’s more like a well used highway. It’s a costly cycle he’s going through, and I think there’s a way of making it cheaper on men.

Introducing the Mid-life Divorced Guy’s Kit Lease. Okay, the name’s a little unwieldy, but we’ll have the brand boys boil it down to something catchy.

A guy gets divorced and he suddenly has freedom and time. It’s like popping the top off one of those gag cans that have the spring snakes leap out. He runs out and sets up the bachelor pad. Out goes the sedan and in comes the sports car.

Still isn’t enough horsepower in the garage. A motorcycle goes on the other side. Then, the party barge (boat). It’s a cruiser or at least a cuddy cabin, because he needs a space to…uh…entertain.

But, within a year, he meets “the one.” She’ll wait until the hook is set before getting into asset reallocation, but it will happen.

The boat goes first. She knows it’s not for fishing. Boats depreciate very quickly, so he takes the major haircut there. The car is next on the hit list. Too much reinforcement of the swinging single mentality. The Harley’s a little too close to the manhood, so she may let that pass for now, rather than overplay her hand. But, she’ll eventually get around to it. Of course, the tacky bachelor pad won’t suffice for a couple. Goodbye faux leopard skin chaise lounge.

So, that’s your kit. You don’t have to run out and buy a lot of expensive toys, only to suffer a big depreciation hit when you settle back down and sell them off. We give you a year’s package lease on the boat, sports car, hog and condo (fully equipped with hot tub, wet bar and Barry White CDs). Just turn them back to us at the end of a year or whenever you get it out of your system. You get to keep the Tommy Bahama shirt, gold chain, and underwear that come in a clear plastic tube.

Derek picked up the check. “How did you know?”

“I’ve seen a lot of guys go down that road.”

Okay, maybe a little more than that. He pulled up in a pickup rigged for a heavy trailer. I knew it wasn’t set up for his retirement Airstream. It could’ve been for a loud, gaudy thunder boat, but Derek’s pretty centered and I don’t see him compensating with a straight-through exhaust and graphics that would make a NASCAR racer blush. It would be something of decent quality with touches of style and class. In this area, with relatively few choices, Sea Ray would be a good bet. And, the correct one.

I didn’t see Derek working the bar scene at Mesh or Jag’s with a pickup truck. Nissan Z, Porsche Cayman or Corvette. I guessed the Z and the Vette, thinking it was the Z. It was the Vette.

Derek had a shiny spot on the toe of his right running shoe. The telltale spoor of a shift lever. Tough call. On the one hand, Derek’s roots were Midwestern blue collar. On the other, he’s the athletic daredevil. Could be a sport bike. But, which one? He’s at the Suzuki- Kawasaki end of the scale. Probably the Suzuki. My bet was Harley and Suzuki. He’s a Harley man.

I gave Derek some suggestions for kayaks and wished him well in unloading the boat. He’d take a hit there, which is what got me musing about the kit on the drive back to the office.

Hmmm. Maybe if that worked out, we could follow up with the Mid-Life Woman’s Divorce Kit Lease.