Ask, don't tell

A few years ago, I led a client company through its strategic planning process. As an adjunct to the service, the owner asked me to assess and coach Allan, a young up-and-comer in the business. He was also the owner’s son, which helped his up and didn’t slow down his coming.

I did some of that and Allan was receptive. He was very eager to prove himself on his own merit.

Recently, the company was approached to buy one of its suppliers. Going vertical in your market can be a significant move and just because you buy that product doesn’t mean you know the business. I was asked to sit in on the sales presentation.

I did and was happy to see Allan again. That is, up until assailed what he thought was fallacious in the seller’s presentation. I had some knowledge of the product line and could see how what was stated could appear incorrect to the uninformed. The seller also erred by responding in the same manner, which was unfortunate.

After the meeting, I took Allan aside. I told him that he would frequently encounter things that seemed out of kilter and I knew he wanted to be viewed as competent. But, he’d come off better by seeking to understand it than attacking. Ask, don’t tell.

You would think this would be common sense, but it isn’t. I can think of as many instances as not.

A few weeks ago, I was invited to a planning meeting for a big outdoors activity festival. They were looking for proposals of demonstrations of various sports. I was representing kayaking and brought along video of playboating. When that concluded, one of the panel members said that if we were chosen, he hoped we’d use “real kayaks” instead of those little toys.

I asked him what he meant and he said he’d seen pictures of kayaks and those weren’t them, getting even more sarcastic. From his description, I gleaned his perception of a real kayak was something Eskimos paddled.

I explained that there were different kinds of kayaks. The short ones in the video were whitewater kayaks that are designed for difficult conditions and playing, and were not toys. They were the best suited for the kind of exhibition they wanted. He was undeterred and continued to argue the point acrimoniously. I could see how he thought the small kayaks weren’t congruent with his expectations, but he would’ve been better served by listening. His fellow panel members understood and studied their manicures as his tirade went on. I wouldn’t want to be that guy.

I ran a mental health treatment center. One day, a woman stormed in and alleged malpractice in regard to her son’s therapy. I tried to explain but she would have none of it and stomped out. Then, she showed up at a meeting of the mental health board to complain and publically “expose” us.

Her complaint was that we put her son into group therapy and that the group was exactly the kind of people who he hung around with and had gotten him into trouble. Actually, I can understand the perception. Her son was mentally ill and gravitated to a like group who validated and encouraged each other’s aberrant behavior and thinking. So, when we put him in with other mentally defective teens, she went ballistic.

The difference is the dynamics of the therapy. Instead of allowing the participants to play each other and perpetuate their issues, the therapist leverages their mutual influence to create healthy perceptions and behavior. A psychologist on the board explained that to her but she swept it aside and demanded group therapy for her son with normal people or she’d sue. If participants didn’t have the issues germane to that group, why would they be in it? I wouldn’t want to be her.

Years ago, I was promoting a product to local businesses through direct mail. A partner in a CPA firm complained that he had bought it and later discovered that a friend of his had received the same promotion except it offered a gift as a bonus for buying before a deadline date. He thought it was an unethical business practice to make different offers and that he had been screwed.

A fundamental rule of direct mail is that you always test. About 90% of the mailing is uniform, but the rest is set aside for testing different lists, prices, promotion packages, etc. That’s why your order forms and cards carry a printed code. If something is found to work better, it’s used as the main mailing in the next round.

In this case, we tested the bonus gift and, in another panel, a discounted price. I explained this to Seymour (the CPA) and told him every competent direct marketer in the world did the same thing in every mailing. It was standard practice and equivalent to test marketing in select stores and markets done by retailers. He could check any marketing textbook if he doubted it. I offered him the choice of the gift or discount so he wouldn’t feel taken.

I thought that would placate him, but he showed up at a talk I was giving and chose to use the Q&A session to level his accusations of unethical practices. Even though most of the businesspeople in the room were completely aware of the common practice, I took the time to explain it again. He ranted on and many exchanged looks with each other. Wouldn’t want to be that guy.

Moral of the story, know what you don’t know and ask, don’t tell.