Closure

If you’ve had your fill of my pre-trip babbling, especially about gear issues, you won’t like this. Bail out now and save yourself. I achieved closure today with a trip to the tailor to pick up something I left for alteration. The saga began late last summer, during my trip to Alaska. There is an affliction I coined Guide Fever. When people engage an outfitter to take them on a wilderness trek, they tend to assume that the gear employed by the guide is the ultimate. When they return to civilization, they rush out to buy duplicates of whatever the guide wore or used. Some of the participants of this trip fell prey to that. I did not succumb, although I won’t claim it was because of strength of resolve. The guides actually had pretty crappy stuff. The crew of the boat that shuttled us out to our launch point has some flashy duds but, in the absence of making a guest appearance on “Deadliest Catch,” I saw little point in following their lead on extreme foul weather gear. My Achilles Heel did not emerge until the end of the trip when we boarded a bus that would take us from Seward back to Anchorage. There, I encountered a young man wearing the absolutely coolest hiking pants I have ever laid eyes upon. They bore a couple graphic icons but no wording that would reveal the brand. I didn’t hesitate to ask him. He smiled pleasantly and responded in a language that might’ve been English. The German, Austrian Dutch or whatever accent was far too thick for me to discern. I feigned partial deafness (not a stretch for me) and repeated the question. He repeated the smile and response. I returned the smile, just as though I understood. I turned to my companions and asked what he had said. They laughed and shrugged. Rats! The unresolved issue nettled me. And, I’m not one who surrenders easily. When I got home, I did web searches for “hiking pants,” appending the name of various countries. It was an arduous task but I finally surfaced the page of a manufacturer that displayed the product I sought. It was not in English, but that hardly mattered. I could apply a translation option but that would do little good if the product wasn’t available here. So, the next search was the brand name with “U.S.” appended. Darn few outlets came up and those that did asked stroke-inducing prices. With so few outlets on this side of the pond, discount sources were unlikely. I tried, but came up empty. There was no way I was going to pay a healthy three-figure price for a pair of hiking pants. So, I reluctantly curtailed the search. I am on a restricted list of people who receive weekly (more or less) notifications of discounts on quality outdoor goods. A couple weeks ago, and much to my surprise, this brand showed up. I feverishly clicked through to that page and found a variety of their products at substantial discount. Eureka, the mother lode! I decided on a pair of pants. The waist sizes were provided but not the inseam. This is an issue for me because manufacturers seem to think I should have longer legs for my girth. Their minimum inseam is usually a couple inches too long. So, I’m well familiar with the options. If they have the adjustable cuffs, I can cinch those down and go with a baggy look in the legs. If not, I can roll up the cuffs or go to the expense of a tailor. Or, I can do some Kentucky tailoring (walk around in them until the excessive material shreds away). The pants arrived last week and I eagerly pulled them on, expecting the two-inch surplus of leg. Wrong. They must assume that someone of my width jumps center for the Lakers. If the legs had been an inch longer, the cuffs would’ve been in another room. So, it was off to the tailor. I picked them up today, ending the epic quest on a high note. Wait, not so fast. I wash clothing before putting it into service. I located the laundry warning tag. Yes, it had the universal symbols. Unfortunately, four lines of them, each contradicting the others. Under each one was a line of a different language. Do laundry practices vary by country? Doesn’t matter. None of the languages was English so I have no idea which applies. It never ends.