Death by Cell Phone

We were having dinner with some old canoeing friends of mine when a cell phone blared a ringtone. The owner apologized, but that led to a discussion of ringtones. I don’t do them, partly for reasons that emerged in the conversation.

In the course of that, my companion asked him if he had a ringtone song for me. “’Sixteen Tons.’”

“’Sixteen Tons?’”

I jumped in and explained I used to sing that when we’d paddle through a gorge or other area that had some resonance. Not because it had any meaning.

“Oh, it’s kind of you,” he added, trying to be helpful. “I used to have ‘The Wander’ for him,” he added, being even more helpful in the same way. If he helped me much more, I wouldn't live to see dessert.

She looked at me. “Because I’m a Dion fan.” I’m not sure she bought that.

“And what song would you use for me?,” she inquired.

“There are so many, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” Actually, one I had briefly considered was “You Shook Me All Night Long,” because the lyrics are a close fit, but I wasn’t sure she’d take it in a positive way. How people interpret things differently is reason enough for me to stick with chimes.

My friend’s wife turned to him. “And what song do you have assigned to me these days?”

He thought a second and a look or terror spread across his face. Obviously, he had never anticipated that she would be present when she called, or that the subject would come up. “Uh, I think it’s still ‘Simply Irresistible.’”

She smiled and patted his arm. But, I didn’t think he was out of the woods. “Turn your phone off,” I thought, trying to beam him a psychic message.

It didn’t take more than a few minutes before she snaked her hand down to her purse and fingered a speed dial button. Broadcasting from his jacket came “’She’s so cold.’”

Not a lot of different ways to interpret that one. If he thought she was frosty before that…