For my next invention...

I have an idea for a new voice-activated device. I have several now. The fact that I haven’t bothered to figure out the voice feature is irrelevant. I would use this one.

You wouldn’t even have to buy it. Grocery stores would have them mounted at the end of each aisle. You state what you want and it tells you what section it’s in. Okay, so it’s a guy thing.

As is the case with many inventions, this one was spawned in pain. I was asked to “pick up a few items on the way over.” That phrase ranks right up there with “some assembly required," because I know it’s going to take longer and be more arduous than it’s made out to be.

In this case, I’m looking for sparkling (carbonated) juice. I’m up and down the juice and dairy aisles several times before I relent and ask.

The employee smiles at me benevolently, as though assisting a small child. “It’s in the wine section.”

“The wine section? It’s juice.”

“Yes, but it’s made by wineries. It’s like wine without alcohol.” Let’s see, wine without alcohol. That would be what, juice? “Can I help you with anything else?”

“Well, I need sun dried tomatoes, but I guess they’re in produce or canned vegetables.”

She shook her head sadly. “No, aisle E.”

And, the cereal bars weren’t with the cereals. That’s why we need the voice-activated devices, so we can avoid the humiliation of not being versed in grocery store taxonomy. Either that or a section called “Things Men Don’t Know How to Find.”