I journey into deepest Western Hills

Tomorrow night is a surprise birthday party for Gary and I couldn’t be looking forward to it more if…well, if I was Gary. Not that it’ll be a surprise. Five years ago, I attended a previous version of this event on a landmark birthday of his, so there’s reason to believe he’d be looking for an encore performance. And, if that’s not enough, about everyone else in his circle of friends receives the same honor. They’ve just all developed the knack for acting surprised, even when a couple hundred strange vehicles are gobbling up curb space in their neighborhoods.

This is vintage west side Cincinnati and no big deal to them. I’m not from here, so it’s a treat. Or, maybe it just reminds me of the tight-knit neighborhood I grew up in.

We’ll arrive early, park a block away and then attempt to cram everyone into the confines of his house. No mean feat. To begin with, this entails Gary’s friends (most of which date back to grade school) and family, a count that rivals the extras in “Spartacus.”

Then, there’s the house, which is a quintessential west side ranch of modest dimensions. But, you know it’s built like a fort and will outlast any three stadiums the taxpayers are scammed into building. Hardwood floors, plaster slathered on thick and nary a brick out of alignment. I would allow that the crank-operated jalousie windows could be deemed an Achilles Heel.

Gary’s daughter is orchestrating this and will vainly trying to keep the crowd quiet. They will be already be primed with convenient mart beer.

Gary will arrive, feign surprise and the games begin. Here are my two favorite aspects.

While his daughter provides the basic provisions, everyone brings a contribution to the feast. Since this is a matter of pride with west side women, we’re not talking pretzels.

I don’t need the Amazing Kreskin to forecast the menu. Let’s lead off with the green bean casserole, sopping in mushroom soup and crowned with onion crisps (canned). That’ll be between the Skyline Chili dip and German potato salad. Down the table, you’ll find brats and metts, with a bowl of sauerkraut to be employed as a condiment or side. Baked beans (with bacon on top), hot slaw, conventional potato salad, fruit salad topped with marshmallows and shredded coconut and about 47 varieties of brownies, cakes and pies will round out the banquet. Outstanding. It’ll take about two weeks in the gym to burn it off but I’ll have no regrets.

Then, the reminiscing begins. It’s not just the volleying back and forth of childhood stories that makes this fun. I’ve heard them at previous events. It’s the characters. They’re the real thing. You can’t cast a show like this.

I just received a reminder from my date that a present would probably be appropriate. She’s suggesting a six-pack. Perfect. I can’t wait.